A well-known psychologist I follow on Twitter posed a question the other day “How do adults make new friends?”
It wasn’t the first time I heard this question.
One of my girlfriends said that it was harder to make new friends as an adult than find a partner.
I may struggle with a lot of things, but making friends is not one of them!
So as a friend making enthusiast, I wanted to write a starter post for those out there struggling to make new friends as an adult.
CAVEAT: This is just ONE woman’s opinion/process – I am sure experts have written many books on this topic, so for something formal and well-researched – feel free to buy a book.
First my Expertise
I was born in Bangladesh and was a shy child.
I had strong bonds with my cousins and a handful of good friends in school. But I left EVERYTHING behind when I moved to Saudi Arabia at age ten-ish. Then I spent the next 5-6 years rebuilding new friendships – in English (a language I didn’t speak at the time), only to immigrate to Canada to restart the process.
My extraversion and easy ability to bond with people is one of my few super powers. And while it doesn’t help me in practical ways, as friendships must never be transactional, my friendships bring enormous pleasure, joy and dimension to my life.
So with that preamble, here is my “Five Step Framework” for making new friends as an adult:
- First, decide WHO is qualified to be a friend.
- Then, cast a wide net.
- Be open to making the first, second & the third “move.”
- Then, decide on friendship “potential”.
- Finally, nurture the relationship
First, decide WHO is qualified to be a friend
We are not for everyone. And everyone is not for us.
This is a good thing because only the “beigest” of us would be universally palatable.
We can save a lot of time and heartache if we first think about who we want to let into our lives in an intimate way.
I will share my criteria below. Keep in mind everyone needs their own criteria, based on their own morals and values, but it’s important to have a set of criteria because time and energy is finite.
1. I am ONLY friends with people whose company I find uplifting and joyful.
My friends are people I genuinely, deeply like and feel I can be “myself” with. All my friends are kind and intelligent.
They are also strongly opinionated and secure in themselves. So they don’t fall apart or get resentful if I express my own strong opinions.
I walk away from most interaction I have with them feeling good, healthy and connected.
2. I am ONLY friends with people for whom I also bring joy and value.
I fully accept that not everyone will like me.
So the only people I invest in are those who also feel joyful and uplifted in my genuine presence.
Otherwise, I move on and find those who do enjoy my company.
3. I don’t fear giving more, doing more, saying more and loving more.
I try not to care about equal reciprocation.
I am fine if my friend does not return a text because she is busy. I don’t mind going the extra mile for someone’s birthday and not have that returned.
I am happy to check in first, to make the plans, to meet more than half way (metaphorically and practically), and to make more time.
None of the above I do out of guilt or obligation: I need my friends. I am happy to invest in my friends. And I also fully accept everyone will have practical and spiritual ups and downs.
4. However, I WILL redraw boundaries that no longer work for me and toxic behaviour is a deal breaker
If I feel I can no longer be myself around a friend, and it doesn’t matter why, I redraw my boundaries.
It can mean I reduce how often I see them, or the type of activity I do with them, or it can mean respectfully ending the friendship entirely.
I give my friends benefit of the doubt but also any display of toxic behaviour – such as passive-aggressiveness, talking behind my back or silent treatment is usually a one way ticket out of my life.
Then, cast a wide net
Since I only have four criteria for friendship, literally every person I meet is a potential friend.
I have wonderful friends whom I’ve met through work, through other friends, who are parents of my children’s friends. I even have a friend I met randomly while waiting in line to vote (I ended up attending his wedding a few years later).
I typically don’t look for common interests while making friends, and simply focus on character. I have enough breadth of interest that I’ll eventually find something in common with a new friend.
It’s also fun to be introduced to random hobbies by a friend (e.g. CrossFit and Salsa dancing) and fail/succeed together at it.
Many people try to find friends via shared interest which actually may be limiting unless their lives revolve fully around that shared interest.
For those looking for new friends, it might be easier to find a person whose character meets the friendship criteria first THEN find common interests to share.
Be Open to making the first, second and the third move
Most people make the mistake of trying to connect one time and then dropping the relationship if there isn’t any reciprocation.
As a successful friend maker, I suggest initiating at least three times before giving up on a potential friend.
It can look something like this:
- Move one – Say hello and start a conversation.
- Move two – If you like them, ask them for coffee/drink.
- Move three – If that goes well, suggest a third thing (e.g. visit to a museum).
By the third thing, it’s obvious if there is enough raw material for a friendship.
In my case I try to evaluate if they are kind, intelligent, and fun. I see if they like me and find me fun. Most importantly, I see if I can relax around them and say what I feel, without eliciting an unexpected reaction.
Key here is to evaluate if the person meets our own criteria for friendship. It’s not about feeling rejected, rejecting someone or overthinking.
Then decide on an intimacy potential
Not everyone can be or want to be your “bestie”, even if they are super awesome.
Some friends will only be good for a group hang. Some friends you will see regularly for a specific activity (e.g. bi-monthly museum visits).
Some friends will feel like life-long soul mates.
Trying to evaluate where this person may fit will give you an idea of how much effort to put into the relationship.
It’s okay to think someone could be your best friend and later realize they’re not, and vice versa. This step is only needed to understand how to divide your attention in the beginning.
Finally, nurture the relationship according to the intimacy potential
After my family, my “life long soul mate” friends are my highest priority. I exert consistent effort to make them feel appreciated and cherished.
Not just through words but with actions of showing up for their life events big and small, celebrating their milestones, and providing support through their hard times.
For all my friends, I check in with them regularly. I make plans to see them. I share articles, news or memes based on their interests. And over time, the relationship blossoms into something special.
Making new friends as an adult can be done with the right mindset – it just takes time and consistent effort. The critical piece is to nail down the type of person we want as a friend, then investing seriously in those relationships while letting go of the rest.